Good Evening!

That was my last title. My creativity level is related to the time of day in a manner I could graph if I weren't so tired. If any of this is incoherent, I blame the tiredness factor.

For those who are curious, here is the situation of TPA. It's going to end eeaaarlier than Max and I originally planned. In fact, Max, while I think it's important for us to have a few wrapping-up posts in the coming days, we probably don't have to keep up our one-post-a-day commitment.

Here are things that will happen before TPA comes to an end:

• I'm going to complete my punishment song about how Max is better than I am because that's a punishment I definitely deserve.
• That's all we have planned!

So if you have any thoughts about some sort of closing ceremony things -- like planking or a TPA book club or something like that -- let us know in the comments.

There will be more posts after this one, but things are winding down. Thanks for a great few months, everyone!

I felt some Bacon, in my Brain

. . . would make for a more entertaining and delicious poem, I think.

Lyrics websites are the worst. They take five times as long to load as any other website, they're loaded with scary advertisements, they're probably giving my computer a lot of viruses, and only a few of them are letting me copy and paste the lyrics. Thankfully, I have the lyrics to "Animal" printed out, and I have a few ideas. I need some more ideas, and then I need to rework these lyrics.

Today, I had 72 percent dark chocolate, and I felt very sophisticated.

That's all I have to say about that, so I'll move on. I've noticed that I'm still the only person who voted "Yes!" for bacon frappuccino, which is extremely baffling to me. Bacon might not be my favorite food, but it is my favorite scent, and anything bacon flavored is wonderful. Hear me out, Starbucks. "Why does the Internet like bacon so much?" Listen to John and Hank for an answer.

Bacon, bacon, bacon. Did you know that Meijer discontinued my favorite snack? My mom would have to go to Meijer every week and get two or three boxes of "bacon crackers," but apparently I was the only one who liked them, so they don't exist anymore.

One time, I was in the shower, and I could smell the bacon that my mom was making. Do you know how impressive that is? The bacon smell traveled all the way from the kitchen to the bathroom door, went through the tiny crack at the bottom, spread out within the volume of the bathroom, and caught my attention even with the other prominent smells of water and Suave for Men shampoo. That's crazy. Bacon is awesome!

Until next time, Max,
What is all this juice and all this joy? Bacon. I mean, Spring.

100!

I just thought of something, Max -- PUN-ishment. I'm going to work on that over the next week. I have to listen to it a lot, and then I have to spend quality time on the lyrics, and then I need to practice for a while. It will happen sometime.

Do I regret not posting last Friday? Let me answer your question with an exclamation.

I get to celebrate the hundredth post of TPA! Yay!

Technically, two of our posts are not really posts. The first post has the rules, and June 19th's post was a bonus post. Either way you count it, I'm getting the hundredth post in this deal.

Today, Max and I walked and marched in the Miracle Mile Parade, respectively. I don't know about Max, but I got to Roncalli at ten, and then from about ten thirty to two thirty, I suffered from a horrible lack of air conditioning. And my arms were shiny after a while. And I drank four bottles of water and peed a LOT when I got back to Roncalli. I couldn't pee at the parade because none of the facilities were unportable.

Max and I had two different jobs at the parade. He walked with Stu Co behind the bus, and his job was to cheer and wave flags. I walked behind those people and in front of the band, and my job was to blow my whistle and sweat a lot. It was actually really hard to march between those two groups of people. The drumline would be playing a cadence in one meter, and Stu Co would be shaking their booties at a different tempo, and I got off a couple of times because of distractions.

My poooint is that Max and I have been doing TPA for one hundred (or ninety-eight) posts, and I'm not the kind of person who would enjoy shaking my booty in front of lots of people, and he's not the kind of person who would enjoy playing an instrument in front of lots of people, but we got to march in the same parade.

But that's life, I suppose! You go along and then suddenly -- poof!

Poof.

Poof.

The first marching band song I played was "Everybody's Everything," and this is the last marching band song I'm going to play:

Study Tips from Bryan

I'm actually not going to give you any study tips. Depending on how you view this post, I'm either going to give you one or zero pieces of advice. I'll get to that in a moment.

First of all, Max, my punishment (fragment). If you're going to give me a punishment, you should just give me a punishment. If you wait forever, then our graduation is going to happen eventually, and we won't even be blogging anymore by the time you give me a punishment. You knooow what you want to do, and I would like to start working on it as soon as possible. I'm just that kind of person.

Oh, let's increase the number of study tips in this post by one -- work on everything as soon as you possibly can. Then, when it's ten o' clock, you can go to sleep! Or in my case, you can get on the Internet and blog to a nerdy kid with glasses. Ah. I should work on my insults -- that one was not very effective.

Second of all, Max, Blogger's status (fragment). It's weird, and I don't think I like it. I'm usually a pretty adaptable person, but this seems like a common sense issue. The old interface is multicolored shows you everything you need to see without scrolling anywhere, and the new one is three colors on the brightest background in the world and everything's off center.

Oh, let's increase the number of study tips in this post by one again -- be adaptable. Then, when somebody throws you for a loop in the real world, you'll be prepared. You'll be, like, "Nice try, but on a homework assignment fifteen years ago, I had to answer a trick question, and now I'm prepared for anything!" This is speaking from experience, of course.

My third piece of advice which isn't really advice is Tom Lehrer.

I thoroughly studied for tomorrow's literary terms quiz. I'm ready to provide an example of anything. Why? Tom Lehrer. You could steal these, but it would be extremely lame, and the proof is right here. Busted.

Oxymoron: a figure of speech that combines opposite or contradictory terms in a brief phrase. "Your heart is hard as stone or mahogany; that's why I'm in such exquisite agony" (Tom Lehrer, The Masochism Tango).

Quatrain: a poem consisting of four lines, or four lines of a poem that can be considered a unit. "A friend of mine in a B-29 / Dropped another load for luck. / As he flew away, he was heard to say, / A hubba-hubba-hubba, yuk yuk!" (Tom Lehrer's favorite wartime quatrain which he feels reveals that war brings out the best in people).

Satire: a type of writing that ridicules the shortcomings of people or institutions in an attempt to bring about change. "Sleep, baby, sleep. In peace may you slumber. No danger lurks your sleep to encumber. We've got the missiles -- peace to determine -- and one of the fingers on the button will be German" (Tom Lehrer, MLF Lullaby).

Need I say more?

Max, until next time,

You've been fretting about that newspaper for weeks!

Ready, TheOtherBryan?

"Window Washer Walter has a mass of 80 kilograms is washing a window that is 24 meters up the side of a building. The ladder upon which he stands is 25 meters long, and the ladder forms a right triangle with the side of the building. Assume that the top of the ladder meets the bottom of the window."

Right, so . . . there's a right triangle. Let me make a quick sketch:

Before you ask me any questions, I have a question of my own. Why is Window Washer Walter (along with all of his math problem friends) using a ladder he has to lean against a building? There are step ladders he could use that would be much less precarious.

"Suddenly, the bottom of the ladder begins to slide away from the building at a rate of 1 meter/sec."

Nope, that's not what happens. You're saying that it suddenly happened so you can prevent a lawsuit. There's a little kid under the ladder who slips on some window washer fluid and falls into the ladder. Then, the ladder moves a constant rate of 1 m/s for one second. That makes a nice line.

a) "What is Window Washer Walter's velocity after three seconds have passed?"

By the time three seconds have passed, Window Washer Walter is rushing down the ladder to help the kid. He's pretty fast, so he can climb down his ladder at about 1 m/s still. So that's my answer.

b) "What is Window Washer Walter's velocity when he reaches the ground?"

Zero. The police show up by the time Walter gets to the bottom, and they tell him to freeze, so he does. They examine Bernard for injuries, and thankfully, he's okay. His name is Bernard, by the way. They ask him why he was under the ladder, and Bernard says that he was running to get a ball that his friend kicked too far.

c) "Assuming that Window Washer Walter suffers a 90% energy loss after hitting the ground, how high will he bounce? Show all work."

This is not a time for bouncing. Walter might get arrested.

Luckily, Bernard's parents don't sue.

Also, to the people making punishment suggestions, Max isn't going to make me do anything illegal or anything with long-term side effects. Also, I really think it would be more enjoyable for everyone and harder for me if I had to write a song to a tune of Max's choice rather than a new tune.

My last punishment fell right next to Max's birthday. I wonder if this punishment is a birthday present for anyone. We'll say it's a present for Erin and Abby because it's going to fall right between their birthdays. Happy Birthday!

Until next time, Max: "In my defense, I believe assault should be legal if the person is a jerk." -Leslie Knope

Sing a Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Song - Dummi Bears

Good News, Bryan!

Today, instead of gloating about your upcoming punishment for not posting, I have decided that I would discuss and analyze some of my favorite quotes.

Oh, but in case you forgot, I have yet to break a rule, while you have broken two thus far.

Without further ado, my three favorite quotes:

“Max, trust me, there will come a day when you or I will become wrapped up in senior life and just forget to post.  There will be punishments.”

Bryan Rainey said this dandy quote.

Bryan, long ago in the month of May, I called that I would not be a rule breaker, but that you would.  I would have to applaud you for your acceptance to failure so long ago though.

“So here I am now. I was so sure that you were going to be the first TPA blogger to be punished.”

Bryan Rainey said this on June 17, 2011, in his post.

Here is my analysis.  This quote was funny then, because so many people thought that I would be first, but here we are, with you receiving both of the punishment for breaking rules thus far.  Irony.

My last quote is as follows:

“Max, I will never forget to blog.”

Bryan Rainey said this ironic quote on August 25, 2011.

Bryan, literally less than a week ago I approached you at your locker before school and expressed my amazement that you posted since you had not even started a post when I went to sleep.  This was your response.

Bryan, I am not shocked that you forgot.  Honestly, Friday posts are just unfair.  Last Friday, I had 20 minutes to write my post after factoring in the time it would take to find something pirate looking to wear to our football game.

Now for something less tense, the poll results.

It would appear as though people enjoy Pegasus (11 votes) over a unicorn (7 votes).  Bryan, I voted for unicorns.  Your assumption that a Pegasus is just a flying unicorn seems to show your hubris.  You assumed that the Vlogbrothers were up on their exotic horse breeds, but they are not.

Unicorns can dip their horn in a polluted river and make it clean.

I have not decided my poll yet, but you can be sure that this poll will actually make sense.

Now about your punishment, Bryan.  I have not figured it out for sure yet, but I have some ideas.  I suppose you will want to know my ideas, right?

• Get 50 meters on QWOP and video it.
• Compose a song, complete with lyrics depicting all the ways I am better than you are, to the tune of some song of my choice; I am thinking Brittany Spears.
• Cut an entire pizza at your normal Chicago’s Pizza using only the supplied fork.
• Find all of my grammar errors in a future blog of mine.
• Write a 300 word blog in German with a translation in English.

So Bryan, I do not want the punishment to be something terrible, because I am merciful, unlike you, but I do know that if I ever should break a rule, that you will not return the favor.

Here is a cat.

Until tomorrow Bryan,

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Summer Summary

Good morning, Max! I hope your first two days of school (and everyone else's) have been fulfilling. This summer, a lot of our friends were out and about -- vacations, Summer Field Studies, IU Honors -- so very few people were able to follow our blog consistently over the past few months.

Today, I'm going to make it easier on everyone by summarizing what happened on TPA over the summer. Personally, I think that everyone should go back and read every single post, but since that's not realistic, here's a basic outline:

On May 22nd, Max and I agreed upon and posted the official rules of the TPA (short for "Two Planes in the Asymptote") which restricted our textual communication. We fell into a few routines -- Question Monday, Top Ten Tuesday, and weekly polls starting on Saturdays -- and at one point, Max posted the weirdest poll of my life about apples which inspired this short story.

Anyway, I went to Orlando for Harry Potter, and shortly after I came back, I commented on Max's Facebook status right before his birthday (a violation of the official rules), and he made me sing a song he wrote as my punishment. In a bonus post, I sang that song.

I went to Ball State for a jazz camp, came back on a crazy day of awesomeness, and told people five things I like -- here are three of them. Max followed suit. Later, Max would attend his own camp at Ball State and share his thoughts.

In early July, Max and I played Bananagrams in an official challenge. Max lost -- though he fought valiantly -- and I made him write embarrassing stories about himself without the letter "i." Max later polled TPA followers to see what Top Ten Tuesday they wanted him to do, and they chose the top ten things Max doesn't want to blog about. Then, he got glasses and I got excited.

I haven't broken any other rules yet, but I have been distressed about not being able to Facebook with Max. I knew, however, that school would be starting soon. After I went to band camp, we both went to freshman orientation, and before I knew it, we were seniors.

That's where we are now. Max and I might do a QWOP-related double punishment soon, basically for fun. Long live TPA and the TPA Book Club! See you tomorrow, Max (and now when I say this, I actually mean that I'll see your FACE and not just your post).

If I Die Young - The Band Perry

Bryan, this is my last post on an even date for a while.

Before you look at the poll results, I must warn you:  If you have small children in the room, please have them look away.

Yes, Bryan, everyone wants us to do a double punishment except for you, me, and another person (unless you are like me and voted twice).

As we said earlier though, the ultimate decision will be left up to Bryan and me as far as what we want to do for our punishment since we really did not break any rules.

Bryan, since tomorrow ends July, I found it necessary to look up what all happened in July and I realized I had not participated in Cell Phone Courtesy Month!  I think that maybe I should let my cell phone sleep in my bed or something, but I just realized how useless that would be.

Next topic!  Bryan, I have had a rough day so this post is very choppy, sorry about that.

At Ball State, I was told my singing was lovely, but the same person said that it was like elevator music.  I am very confused as to if that was a compliment or not, in case you were wondering.

Okay, now for some July wrap up news.  Bryan, during July, we received a little over 600 fewer views than during June.  I think that this may be because of people going on vacation and the like, but I really hope that this is not a trend.

At our current rate, we will hit our 10,000^th view at some point during September with around 30,000 views in May, but that will require us not to stay on this downward slope.

We also hit our 10^th foreign country view.  Ireland took the spot as our second highest foreign country viewer (using many adjectives can be fun!).

Okay, I end this post with a song, because music is fun and it is raining and I am sad and I am tired and Zoey is lying on the couch watching it rain.

  

Until August,

Goodnight Bryan.

Things You Learn at Band Camp

"14-4...  Wow :-/" -- a direct quote from a Max-text I got yesterday. Keep up the good work on the poll, everyone.

Speaking of good work, good work with your Top Ten Tuesday, Max; I learned a lot.

Speaking of learning a lot, I've learned a lot of things in the past three days, and I want to convey a couple of important messages to humanity. What I'm about to say is usually contained within the walls of band camp, so this is a special day.

That. Suave for Men shampoo. I would say that about, hmm, half of the guys in band use it. Why is that? Because they're awesome. Why do I know that? If you have to ask, you'll never know; if you know, you need only ask. (Aaanyone?)

Saran wrap: it's more fun to be on the outside of it than it is to be on the inside of it. I think that statement is true a large majority of the time, but I should specify that it's not so great when you're on the outside of the saran wrap and your instrument case is on the inside. The juniors did a pretty good job with the prank, but they definitely got a freshman's trumpet case on accident, so it could have gone more smoothly.

Finally, I've learned that everyone's life has room (grammar?) for a little bit of Tom Lehrer. Some people like me could probably use a little bit more of him than others, but a little bit of him is never a bad thing.

I mean, we're also learning things about music, and we're marching . . . a lot. I think everyone will agree that I'm fully qualified to make this comparison: marching band is far more intense than any sport. My nose is only a little bit sunburned.

Have a good rest-of-the-week, Max at Ball State and everyone else at other places! We can start the TPA Book Club in a few days or weeks -- whichever works best.

The Lady in the Front Row Looks Like Ellen

Today's post comes to you in three parts!

Part One: The Poll

Max, your last poll asked the question, "Which do you prefer?" with the options of "Question Monday," "Top Ten Tuesday," and "Squirrels." I don't know how I feel about it, but the squirrels won this time. Maybe it's because you posted an adorable picture of a baby squirrel. Let's do that again.

For this week's poll -- well -- read the next part.

Part Two: Punishments?

I just got this series of texts from Max:

"Oh Bryan; guess who gets their second punishment?"

"Cause according to Jimmy's schedule I think we both do... But I feel like these schedules are school related so we should be fine lol"

 "And... We were not 'communicating with each other so we are fine :)"

The rational part of me doesn't want to do another punishment. But the adventurous side of me kind of wants to do a double punishment. Even though we really don't deserve them. Adkgjakls.

I suppose this poll really has no control over our destinies; ultimately, Max and I would agree upon what to do. But I want to seeee what people think: should Max and I do a double punishment?

Part Three: Michael Bublé!

Max, we're actually . . . not playing that song in our show. Sooorry I made you cry.

Buuut. Did you know that he did a cover of the Spiderman theme? He did. We might cut that song, but . . . here:

Even the Losers - Tom Petty

Bryan, my current post represents the pun torture you have bestowed upon me.  The challenge shall be completed thanks to my handy thesaurus.  Above and beyond what you expect equals my goal.

My least recent act of utter embarrassment was when my head became lodged underneath the couch located near a wall that held up the photographs of my Mamaw and Papaw’s computer room.  We do not know how exactly my head got stuck, but we do remember my outcry of sheer terror as my problem became clearer for my young, uneducated head.  My brother and aunt and uncle’s son had the nerve to not help me as my vocal cords uttered, “Guys, my head got stuck.”  The dust that clouded my lungs left me very scared.  When my dad showed up to take me and my brother home, he gasped and wondered how my problem unfolded, but was able to elevate the couch enough for me to safely transport my head to a place no longer underneath the couch.

The year before my seventh grade at my school’s Spell Bowl meet at Barnabus, the word was balloon.  My uneducated thought process told me to spell balloon by means of only one “L.”  Low and behold, as the words were spelled off, none of my words had been wrong.  Word number seven, balloon, or on my paper, baloon, was my only word left unmarked.  As my team eagerly sat as they hoped for a perfect score from me, the word pops up and my proctor was unable to award me my beloved last word.  Bryan, my memory seems to recall you competed a few seats down from me, also unable to spell balloon.

My vocal cords cracked once all through one of my many seventh grade geography projects on South Korea.  One of these cracks was so loud that the blast actually encompassed enough sheer force to awake my slumber-bound teacher.   However, he worked three jobs and must have been very sleepy.  Shocker, my efforts were rewarded as my grade on the project was a one hundred percent.  He even gave me a “Good job!” regardless of my vocal cords not able to speak the soul major export of South Korea.  You can look the export up, but my hunch tells me that a colleague whose last name equals Horan lacks the self-control not to comment the word exactly how my young mouth pronounced the word.

Those, Bryan are three of my most memorable acts of utter embarrassment.   Hopefully, you look past the fact that my post encompasses zero of the number between second and fourth vowel of the alphabet.  You know, the one before “J,” but after “H.”  Yes, that one!  Also, because my post went well over four hundred and forty words, you should be very proud of my work.

My posts return to normal on the day after tomorrow.

Goodbye Bryan and other assorted followers.

Max's First Punishment

When Max said "our attempt at being patriotic," he meant "my attempt at being patriotic." This background is only temporary, Bryan; it's only temporary. I'm trying to sound reluctant -- is it working?

The Bananagrams challenge -- one on one, best two out of three -- took place on Sunday evening. I'm not going to brag (yet) because Max was a very worthy opponent. However, I think his tragic flaw might have been his lack of spelling skills.

First, we opened the banana.

Then, the first game began. Before every game, Max wasn't sure what to say ("split"), so he just said, "Go!"

The games we played were honestly close. After I won the first game, Max went through waves of either intensely saying nothing or frantically jabbering.

We were both standing by the end of the second game. Then, this happened.

That may or may not have been my idea.

Max, you need a punishment, and after a lot of ideas morphed into a lot of other ideas, this is what you have to do.

[Moment of suspense.]

The Punishment: You are to write a post of at least 314 words (not including media like pictures or videos) in which you detail multiple embarrassing stories of yours. You may not use the letter "i" uppercase or lowercase -- and in case (ha) you can't tell in this font, it's the letter that sounds like "eye." You have to submit your post on one of your posting days before Monday, July 11, 2011.

Good luck!

Firework - Katy Perry

Hope you all like our attempt at being patriotic!

Happy Fourth of July to all my American friends!  To all of our German and British readers out there, happy day!

Has anyone seen any good fireworks yet?  Here is my favorite firework.  In fact, some may even call it dynamite or grenade-like.

Yes, I will actually be spending this patriotic post talking about Kurt Hugo Schneider, the guy on the guitar to be exact.

Kurt Hugo Schneider will easily rank in the top five of my favorite artists when I get around to making my top one hundred music artists on Facebook.  He mainly does medleys and covers, but when he gets the urge has been known to compose his own songs.  No offense, but his singing is lackluster.  To counter this, he records with other great, unknown singers like Sam Tsui and Dave Days.

Things like this make me wonder.  How was Justin Beaver discovered on Youtube, but this guy is still so unknown in the world of music?  Did Usher search “undiscovered twelve year old boys who sing like girls” when he was trying to find a new person to train?  Why not just type in “David after Dentist?”  At least that video has some replay value.

Okay, back on topic.  Kurt (that is an odd name) also has a recurring war with Jake Bruene.  They basically play songs no one has ever heard of on equally bizarre instruments such as an Ocarina.  As I type this, I realize that you, Bryan, have actually probably heard of this instrument.

Another great cover was with J Rice when they covered Michael Jackson and Akon’s song Hold My Hand.  J Rice is not really a cover artist seeing that he has his own CD of all his songs, but still does many covers.  I consider his montage of Born this Way to be J Rice’s epitome of awesomeness.

This has turned into a who’s who of cover artists if you have not noticed.

My last on this list will be Tyler Ward who I thought performed something with Kurt, but I cannot find it.  Anyways, listen to his music.  It is good!

Well, I hope everyone now has a new few artists to for this holiday week.

By the way, I lost the challenge on Banagrams.  More on that later this week, but I will endure my first punishment as a result!

Until tomorrow,

Goodnight.